Take a bath, Ashlee...it ain't "Raging Bull"

In case you didn't know, Ashlee Simpson's in a new movie called "Undiscovered" and I don't know yet if it'll be so bad that I'll want to see it,(Ahem, "Glitter" anyone?) or just incredibly painful ("You Got Served"...sans any kind of drinking game).

Apparently, to get into character, she decided to go for an extended period of time without showering because she thought it seemed like something her character would do. I really, honestly, don't even know what to say to that. Instead, you should just read this.

Also, if you decide you'd like to look like the losers in this movie, you can do it here, cause you know, it's so hard to get your hands on these items at much, much lower price.

Ouch...that's gotta hurt

So, there are so many reasons why "What Would Janice Do?" at the El Rey blew really hard last night.

It actually started off pretty promising, the Victoria Gotti/Donatella Versace look-alikes populating the crowd, vampy Bobby Trendy and his self-important crew trying to snag the absolute best seats possible and at this point, I must ask if you've ever seen the El Rey, because all the seats are basically the same. There were also a bunch of America's Next Top Model wannabes running around, probably hoping for a photo-op. I have to say that same of them were appropriately stunning. It's not that often that a woman can make me seem short and fat, but these chicks did impress.

I should have known when the lame "dj" (for lack of a better word) started "performing" (putting on cd's and doing the whole "white-girl-upper-body-sway-dance" that I've always found so, so charming). OK, now, I'm definitely not a DJ myself, and I'm not a music snob in the least, but if your job could just as easily be done by a mix cd, then I have no use for you. I think it was at this point that my friend, Mike, remarked that he was probably the only black person in the room, except for a woman he saw on the way in.

Then, we saw Kimberly Stewart arrive. Of course, she and her crew were friends with the lame girl dj. When the few paparazzi that were actually there saw her, they came over to take pictures, which was the cue for her lame hangers-on to start posing all annoying-like, hanging all over each other like the lame-o Kimberly Stewart groupies that they were.

It was at that point that I remarked to Mike that I was pretty sure I was the only woman in her twenties in the room who had a college degree.

It went downhill from there.

Janice came out over half an hour late, a nervous (I'm assuming), coked-up wreck. It was soooo not fun to watch. For whatever reason, they had tried to get Janice to memorize a script and she was freaking out because she kept forgetting the script, which was really frustrating to watch because SHE ACTUALLY LIVED IT AND COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW THE STORY WENT. After the first costume change, which came after about 10 minutes of Janice's nervous rambling, Kimberly Stewart and her crew RAN out, leaving their lame dj friend to fend for herself. Ha. I liked that part. After the second costume change, we jetted.

From what I understand Janice later fell.

So, if you're wondering what Janice would do, please, remember...do as she says, not as she does.

That is all. I'm lowering my ANTM flag to half-mast.

Kanye West, The Girls Next Door, Prison Break and much, much more...

OK, maybe not that much more.

First off, I'm LOVING the new single from Kanye West. If you want to watch the video (which I also LOVE) then you can click here.


Secondly, I watched an episode of "The Girls Next Door" on E! and I actually liked it. The girls are at turns, really dumb and likeable and then really kind of sad, but still kind of likeable.

I mean, I like the youngest one, Kendra, simply for the fact that it's pretty apparent that she is cool with Hef using her as a sex object, cause she's getting everything out of it that she wants.

The #1 girlfriend, Holly, is kind of sad to me cause she clearly is really in love with Hef and doesn't want to share, but is willing to do so just to be with him. And except for that, she's not really so dumb. It's strange.

As for Prison Break, I watched that last night, sort of. I got really confused because I wasn't really paying attention. All I know is that the most beautiful man on television decided to break into prison to set his brother free and at one point, I noticed he had either just stabbed or killed some other guy in prison and for some reason, he has to pretend to have diabetes. Yeah, so I'm really no help at all with the whole summary of the plot, my friends. Sorry. But, I guess you should watch it, to at least figure out what the whole diabetes thing is all about.

Gwen is awesome

The picture, clearly, speaks for itself.

Do I smell a new obsession?

KAMIKAZE GIRLS
Uh oh. My friend just instant messaged me a link to this and now I feel obligated to go see it and report back. Oh my God. It looks amazing. Based on the website alone, I'm going to go ahead and say that I love it.

My super-short, super-opinionated TV Reviews

My TV watching's kind of random these days, between TiVo at work and the random times I'm actually home and not asleep or showering. But, from what I've seen, here's what I have to say about TV, or at least the TV I've been watching...

CHECK IT OUT! TOMMY LEE'S SO WACKY!

Tommy Lee Goes to College
OK, I really thought this might actually be funny when I first started watching it. And really, it so isn't. It's so incredibly fake and forced that it just sucks. Man, I wish that had been more articulate, but seriously, it just sucks. His stupid advisor is trying so hard to be "hip" and cool that he'll drop an F-bomb out of nowhere, which really hurts my brain. It reminds me of the time that I said to my dad, "You know, that girl, Beyonce, from Destiny's Child," to which he replied (rolling his eyes) "I know who Beyonce is." It's like, look, old man. Cut it out. I get it. I was just trying to be nice.

There's this other part where Tommy's trying out for the marching band and supposedly barely makes it. There are a number of reasons why I find this retarded. First of all, in the friggin' intro of the show, we see Tommy performing in the marching band. In uniform. At a game. People. We're not completely retarded. We know he got in the band. Secondly, Tommy. Come on. You sucked at tryouts for an instrument THAT YOU PLAY. Like all the time, supposedly. WTF, man? It's like the only thing you're supposed to be able to do. No one's asking you to split atoms here. That's your totally-not-planted, blonde, busty tutor's job. Oh, how funny. I get it now. She's supposed to look like PAM. How funny. I'm really laughing here. Really, I am.

HUNGRY FOR MORE STARVED!

Starved
I'm sorry. I was totally trying to sound all "Variety" with my little headline there. I couldn't help it. Secretly, I want to be a trade magazine when I grow up. Anyways, I really like "Starved." The way it's shot makes it look like some clever little series on BBC, so automatically, it makes you feel smart to be watching it. Everyone is super-sarcastic, of course, but you can tell that they all really care about each other and honestly, people, that's what I'm all about. The love. And the eating disorders. And the angry people who have them.

Hey, I got your nose!

Get it? It's funny cause he used to be a prize-winning boxer and now he can't even defend himself against the likes of the nefarious Celine Dion. See? It's funny. It's not sad.

The Chocolate Factory is open for business

No, you're really not. Unless there's an apostrophe hiding under your jacket behind Rick James' name.

Excuse me? Am I hearing this word correctly?

TARA REID AT THE VIRGIN MOBILE V MUSIC FEST
My concern has less to do with Tara's outfit and more to do with the fact that anyone in their right mind would let her near an event with the word "virgin" in it.

My Internet News

So, the websites for Banana Republic and The Gap are now working again, thank God. Apparently, on Friday, they were updating their site and I was very frustrated. I mean, how else am I supposed to do my "window" shopping. Get it? Cause I'm on a PC and it's Windows...oh, I'm sorry. I just can't help it.

This is just me venting...now, at work, I can't get on Friendster or MySpace. Damn you, Mega-Corporation! You're not the boss of me! Oh dammit. You are. But I'm still annoyed.

THE LISA HEALTH REPORT
I thought I was getting a cold this morning. Not sure about the outlook--may still be sniffly. Also, my right foot kind of hurts.

That is all. I think I may live.

I just noticed that the copiers are working and have been pretty well for a few weeks now. It kind of makes me nervous. Like they're going to attack me once I've been lulled into a false sense of security like those crazy machine things that chased after Diana Ross in "The Wiz."

Suge Knight Got Shot, Y'all

OH SNAP!

Oooh, somebody shot Suge Knight. Apparently, his injuries were "not life-threatening," which seems like a bad move to me. I always think of poor little Vanilla Ice's VH1 "Behind the Music" whenever I hear some Suge Knight news...him being hung over the balcony by his ankles, or something like that. The man's never been the same. It's like he goes out of his way to try and be tough now every time he's on TV to prove that he's really bad-ass, but the poor little guy doesn't realize he's jut being a major asshole. I mean, a white guy with dreads? Ouch, Nilla. Ouch.




I'LL MAKE SURE TO WRITECHA!
And Lil' Kim's going to jail! Can you believe that nasty ol' R. Kelly gets VIDEOTAPED doing his thing and Lil' Kim is the one going to jail? That's just retarded. And for that matter, how is it that Suge Knight isn't in jail? Hello, he shouldn't even be running around getting shot. If life were like "Law & Order," (which, of course, it should be) this never would have happened. Sigh. Chris Noth, come fix this. Now.

FYI--this picture really shouldn't but it actually reminds me of my late Grandpa George. And now that I've put that out there, I feel compelled to explain. He enjoyed wearing his suspenders and jeans with no shirt, kinda like the Queen Bee over here. Wow. I feel kind of weird now. Um, God rest his soul?




EWING CONFUSION!

So, I was at The Grove this weekend, with my friend, and we walked past a cafe where I saw Patrick Ewing. After we walked past, I said, "I just saw Patrick Ewing." My friend turned around and said, "Where?" So, I pointed him out and she could only see the back of his head and said, "That's not Patrick Ewing." I said, "Yes it is." We walked past again, so she could see his face and I said, "See? It is him."

After that, she started laughing and said, "When you said Patrick Ewing, I thought you meant..." And I realized she thought I meant J.R. and I think that's pretty awesome.

I don't want your life

JAMES, OH JAMES, WHERE ART THOU?

I was just thinking about that missing actress and wondered to myself if anyone would notice if something happened to James Van Der Beek.


In fact, what did happen to him? Does anyone know?

This is completely random and slightly related in a "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" sort of way, but this past Easter Sunday, I saw Jon Voight rushing past the window of the restaurant where Randy and I were eating a late lunch, on Ventura Blvd. in Studio City, wearing a suit and resolutely carrying a brief case. I can only assume he was headed for his audition for "Super Baby Geniuses: Part III." The suit and briefcase, you ask? Because he's nuts, of course.

Janice, Destiny and Tyra news

JANICE, LIVE!
So, I just purchased my ticket for "What Would Janice Do?" for August 30th with Mike Wilson and I must say that I'm pretty excited. If it weren't for the fact that I'm probably going to go straight to the show from work, I'd be tempted to dress up like her for the show. Instead, I'll just add her to my perpetually growing list of my dream Halloween costumes. Many pictures will be taken. I'm hoping that Janice is as boozy and frisky in real life as she appears on TV.

OK, how much do you love this pic of Janice? Look at those legs, for heaven's sake. It makes you wonder how many men she's killed with those things.

If you want to test your Janice trivia knowledge, click here.

I haven't yet seen her E! True Hollywood Story, but I'm hoping to get my hands on it REAL soon. If you have, or even if you haven't, I highly suggest Television Without Pity's Recap of "Die, Motherfucker" which is their title of Janice's THS.

DESTINY'S CHILD!

Now, for some more updates...I'm going to see Destiny's Child on Friday, Sept. 2nd! From what I understand, Amerie is going to be opening up for them, along with Mario and his enormous nostrils. Understandably, I'm very excited to be going, since this is going to be the last concert before the break-up and probably before 80-year old Michelle finally retires to Shady Pines to go hang out with Sophia Petrillo. She's old, y'all. Her bones is weary.

Now, before you get confused about my excitement over Destiny's Child, I want to clarify, this...



is not what I'm talking about.

TYRA NEWS!
She's got a talk show, y'all. What? You ain't know? Shooooot. But don't worry, it's going to be different cause she's got a CATWALK. Does Oprah have a catwalk? Umm hmm. I didn't think so.

So, I just watched finished watching her special (AKA a half-hour commercial explaining why Tyra's so REAL) at lunch and I have to say she was successful in convincing me that her show is going to be be one big...hot...forehead--er, I mean mess.

I was once privy to the goings-on of a meeting where it was being discussed by a bunch of white, out-of-touch TV execs how they were going to market Miss Thang (i.e. I was eavesdropping whilst instant messaging friends and playing with myspace.) and I think my favorite anecdote that I heard was the conversation in which it was being explained just how "REAL" she is.

EXEC: She's so real! She just really is! Like, you should see her talking with real people. I saw it in person. She was at Denny's and she goes up to the guy at the counter and she says to him, "Hey, how come you don't give away that thing you used to give people on their birthday?" And see, she wouldn't even know that they used to do that if she weren't so real, you know, going to Denny's all the time!

And you know what, I heart that, cause I HEART KEEPING IT REAL. And we all know who feels the same way...J to tha LO!

YESTERDAY MY FRIEND, SAW J-LO!
So, yesterday, my friend went to get her eyebrows waxed and had her own personal JLO sighting. I'm so jealous, of course, but thankful that she reported the event to me in detail...

She had her hair up in a wet bun, was wearing big sunglasses and an unassuming sundress, no make-up and looked absolutely tiny and cute, which I suspected she would. My favorite part was when my friend held up her hands like she was squeezing something and said, "And she may be petite, but she does have herself quite a little tushie!"